


The Perils of a Human Girlfriend - Cookies

by Marie_Fanwriter



Series: The Perils of a Human Girlfriend [2]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Cookies, Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-12-13 15:11:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11762541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marie_Fanwriter/pseuds/Marie_Fanwriter
Summary: Just a bit of a crack series to lighten the mood. Part 2!Tali walks in on Garrus in the kitchen. FShepxGarrus. Mild swearing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kuraiummei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuraiummei/gifts), [white_aster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/white_aster/gifts).



> Prompted by White_Aster and Kuraiummei in the comments of chapter 176 of Kuraiummei's fic, Either Die a Hero. Which if you haven't read? You should. (http://archiveofourown.org/works/7711198)
> 
> Initially it was a discussion on Garrus making pancakes that ended up here:  
> "There would be shaping molds. Volume testing for accuracy on measuring spoons. A cook timer app added to his visor. Disgruntlement and even more headshots on missions when dextro chocolate chips weighed out in different amounts of micrograms. Suddenly the mess hall has an actual convection oven. Composition analysis of the metal in their baking pans... 
> 
> Someone write this fic please... "
> 
> Ok, Kuraiummei. Here she is.

“Garrus?” Tali asked when she walked in on the turian in the mess hall, late in the night cycle. She’d come up from the Engineering deck for a, she checked her omnitool, very late dinner. “You do realise it’s the middle of the night shift?”

Not looking up from what he was doing, he hummed in acknowledgment of her question. Leaning over the counter, measuring… something... on a precise scale. She hesitantly got closer, the galley was covered in ingredients. All sorts of packages pulled out from the cupboards and refrigeration unit. A white powdery substance coated the surfaces. 

“What are you doing?” she queried while grabbing a ration pack from stores. Whatever it was, he was very focused. The quarian watched her turian friend, noticing he wasn’t wearing his armor, just his workout clothing. Which was odd in of itself. But his working in the kitchen was even weirder. Not in all the months they’d been together had she ever seen him cook anything, let alone with levo ingredients. 

Straightening, he turned and poured the dark brown chunks into the large mixing bowl he had sitting on the island. She couldn’t stop her giggle when he faced her, the front of his sleeveless shirt was covered in the same white powder that was on the counter, similarly his pants were dusted with it. Although, it looked more like handprints on his thighs than just dust from a spill.

“Baking,” the turian replied finally, taking a spoon and mixing the ingredients in the bowl. Once he seemed happy with the consistency he left the mixture alone. Clicking a few buttons on his omnitool before grabbing two trays out and lining them with paper.

“Right…” the engineer dragged out. “Maybe I should have been more specific.” She set about heating her meal before rounding to the other side of the island again, giving the turian space to work.

The sniper ignored her comment for a moment, engrossed in whatever he was reading on his omnitool, muttering something. “Approximately… everything else is so specific!”

“Garrus, why are you baking levo food in the middle of the night?” she asked deliberately this time. Curiosity getting the better of her. 

He looked up suddenly, as though only just realising that she was there. “Tali?” he asked, almost sounding confused before shaking his head and looking a bit more clear. “Sorry, was engrossed in this recipe. I’m uh… making Shepard cookies.”

“Cookies?” she deadpanned.

A blue flush crept up his neck and he looked away, sheepish. His embarrassment almost made her laugh, but she held it in for his sake. “It’s Shepard’s birthday tomorrow,” he said by way of explanation. 

The quarian’s eyes crinkled in a way that Garrus knew was a smile. “You’re making your human girlfriend cookies for her birthday? Wouldn’t have thought you were such a romantic, Garrus.”

He glared at her a moment before backpedalling. “Wait… you don’t think she’ll like it? Or well like them? Shit.”

“Well, I don’t know if she likes them, I’ve never seen her eat one before. But, aren’t cookies a human dessert?”

He looked down at the bowl, then back up mandibles quirked. “She mentioned them once. Said her mother used to make her oatmeal chocolate chip cookies on her birthday. I thought that maybe…” he drifted off.

“It’s sweet of you Garrus,” the purple clad quarian assured him. “I think she’ll appreciate the uhm…” she looked him up and down once more, “effort?”

He shrugged, singled armed, then pulled the scale over to measure the weight of the bowl. “Took me long enough to find somewhere that even sold those little chunks. I just hope they turn out. Not exactly anywhere I can go to get her something else.” He sighed, pulling out a handful more cooking utensils from the drawer, they appeared to be moulds or shaping implements of some kind. “This was stupid, should have just bought a box.”

“No!” Tali reassured him. “It wasn’t stupid. But I think we’ll need someone to test them first… you know… to make sure they aren’t poisonous or something.” She hummed a moment, mulling over who’d be best for the job as she grabbed her meal out of the heater. 

The question was answered for them, over the com unit. It was EDI. “ _ Lieutenant Moreau is available. Would you like me to ask him for you?” _

Garrus shrugged again. “Better than asking Miranda I guess.” When Tali nodded he glanced up at the ceiling in a symbolic gesture of acknowledging the AI’s presence. “That would be great EDI, thank you.”

“ _ Of course, Officer Vakarian. He will be down shortly. _ ” She paused a moment, obviously waiting for a message to relay. “ _ He has requested that you turn on the kettle, apparently a hot beverage is customary to have with the dessert you had described. _ ”

Tali waved Garrus off and crossed to the sink to fill the appliance, switching it on. By the time the ex-cop had finished with the first tray and carefully put it into the, freshly calibrated, oven, Joker was stepping out of the airlock. 

“I hear you need a taste tester,” he said with a grin, eyeing the two aliens at the counter. “That, I can assure you, is my specialty.”

“Thanks,” Garrus said shortly. Still busy with the second tray, painstakingly shaping each morsel into a perfect circle. Half bent over the counter, his visor streaming data of some kind. Tali giggled at his focus, figuring it was probably telling him the dimensions of the shape or maybe the temperature of those cookies already in the oven. The depths he was going to were a bit… excessive? At least they were if human baking was anything like quarian.

The pilot’s head titled to the side. “They don’t need to be perfect,” he said as he hobbled over to the counter, as if to prove Tali’s point. “Gives them a more homemade feel if they’re a bit lumpy.”

The turian’s head shot up at the criticism. “Shit. Seriously?”

“Never pictured you as a baker, Garrus. First time?” at Garrus’ reluctant nod he continued. “Right. Show me the recipe you used.”

Holding out his arm, he showed the document to the human. It was in human common language, his visor had been translating for him. “This one. I uh… couldn’t find one percent bovine lactate, so I used… what’s so funny?”

Joker had burst out laughing. “Milk, Garrus. The term is milk.”

“Right....” he said skeptically before going back to what he was saying. “I used the two percent that we keep on board. I hope that doesn’t change the flavor too much…”

“It’s fine,” the pilot said, nodding. “It’s interchangeable, changes the nutrition content a little, but you don’t eat cookies for nutrients. So you followed this to the letter?” At the much taller male’s nod he grabbed a small spoon from the drawer and took a bit of the batter onto it, giving it a sniff before popping the uncooked dough into his mouth. Much to his dextro friends’ dismay.

“Joker!” Tali almost yelled. “That hasn’t been cooked yet! It could be contaminated.”

Garrus glared at her, affronted. “It’s not contaminated!”

The pilot shrugged. “Not half bad, Vakarian. The real test is once they come out of the oven, but if the dough is good then usually the cookie won’t be bad either. And Tali, I’ll be fine. It’s customary to taste it before you bake them, at the very least lick the spoon.” He looked back at the turian. “Which I call dibs on by the way, uh… not that you or Tali could really eat these.”

Getting back to work, Garrus left Joker and Tali to chat. The pilot making some tea while their resident engineer finished dinner. A light flickered on the turian’s visor after a few minutes, signalling that the first tray was done. He pulled the tray out with a hand towel and placed it on a clean section of the counter. While he busied himself putting the second tray into the oven, Joker sniffed and the pleased sound he made was reassuring.

“So, do I want to know why you and Tali are up in the middle of the night baking cookies?” 

The quarian laughed. “I’m not baking anything.”

“Ok then. Garrus, why are you baking cookies at 0300 with Tali here for moral support?”

The turian sighed. Realising he wasn’t going to get out of explaining himself. “Would you beleive I’ve always wanted to try my hand at a new hobby?”

“Calibrations not enough for you anymore?” the human laughed, ducking the towel the turian threw at him. “Ok, ok. Painting the walls in merc bases wasn’t enough? Needed to let out your artistic side?”

Garrus huffed. “No. It’s stupid.”

“It’s not!” Tali interjected. “He’s making them for Shepard.”

The grin that spread across the pilot’s face was enormous. “So it’s not just blowing off steam then? You two are dating.” He forwent quotation marks around  _ blowing off steam _ , but how he said it implied enough.

“Yeah. I suppose we are,” the turian admitted. “But keep that to yourself, alright?”

Joker made a zipping hand motion over his mouth. “You got it boss. Lips are sealed. As long as you pass me one of those…” he reached across the counter, grabbing a freshly baked cookie when Garrus slid the tray closer. 

Breaking the cookie in half first he looked the cookie over, the chocolate was still gooey and dripped onto the counter. Sniffing the desert a few times he shrugged and bit into it, eyes closed as he chewed and swallowed. 

“Well?” Garrus asked him, impatient. 

The pilot opened his eyes, looking up to see the enraptured gaze of his crew mates. “It’ll pass, Vakarian.” With that he popped another bite into his mouth, savoring it. “Been a long time since I’ve had fresh baked cookies, thanks.”

“Cookie.” The turian corrected, pulling the tray away. “The rest are for Shepard.”

“What!” he moaned. “After all the shit I do for you? I pulled your asses out of a volcano for god’s sake.”

Rolling his eyes, Garrus relented. “Fine. You can have one more. But that’s it, Moreau.”

Tali laughed at the exchange before saying her goodbyes. Pushing back from the counter to head for crew quarters. The triumphant look on the pilot’s face and the exacerbated look on Garrus’ kept her smiling until she was settled into bed. She hoped Shepard liked them as much as Joker did. 

For Garrus’ sake.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 0400 rolls around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this wasn't supposed to be more than a chapter. But here I am with number two! I blame night shifts and a craving for cookies that I have yet to satisfy. 
> 
> Or, if you've read some of my other works, maybe I just wanted Garrus to be happy for once?

Chapter 2 - 

 

The  _ Normandy’s _ cook rolled out of bed, as per usual, at 0400 hours ship time. He clumsily dressed in his uniform in the dark as to not wake the rest of the crew quite yet. Chow was served starting at 0500 sharp, he hadn’t missed a morning yet and he didn’t plan on starting now.

Gardner quietly went about his morning ablutions before heading for the mess hall. It wasn’t a far walk, but he liked to joke about his commute when the crew started to trickle in. He’d call it heavy traffic if he saw more than one person up at that hour. A traffic jam if the squad was returning from a late mission. This morning there was no one, or at least he didn’t think there was, until he waltzed into the mess to see their turian crew member at the sink, hands in the dishwater, a few dishes set out to dry.

“Officer Vakarian,” he greeted, cordially. It wasn’t often he spoke with the turian, just a few times about rations he could eat and an occasional admonishment when he missed a meal or two. If the cook was being honest, he’d never really been up close with his species before and initially he’d been a little uncomfortable, what with serving with the Alliance during the First Contact War and all.

Said turian looked up from what he was doing, a head bob as a hello. “Morning already?” he asked, sounding a bit surprised.

“That it is,” he chuckled a bit. “Or my morning at least. What’ve you been up to?”

He looked back towards the sink, finishing up the last dish and setting it to dry before answering. “Little uh… something for the Commander. Hope you don’t mind I used some of your staples.”

Shrugging, the human replied. “Never a problem. Just make sure you let me know if you finish something off. Need ta know what’s in stock and all that.” He hit the start button on the already prepared coffee machine and moved to the fridge, starting to get the usual breakfast items out. 

Eying the turian, he noticed the distinct lack of armor and the flour dusting his clothes. He was a lot less big without the heavy armor, but no less intimidating, all sharp lines and scars. Even all these weeks later the scars were still angry, escaping out from under the bandage on his face. The artificial plating on his chest a stark difference from the natural ones.

“What did ya make?” 

The sniper coughed, looking away as though he was embarrassed. “Human dessert, ah… cookies.”

Before he could stop it, a grin it sprouted on the cook’s face. Probably why he was here on the night shift, privacy. Wouldn’t want something like this to get out. The Archangel of Omega… baking cookies. He almost laughed. “Well,” he began instead. “Learn something everyday, right?” 

“Yeah,” he replied absently stepping back and turning towards the island counter to take the covered plate sitting there. “Mind not mentioning this to anyone?”

“Scout’s honor.” At the turian’s confused look, and wasn’t that something? He could see confusion on an alien’s face, he clarified. “Don’t havta worry about me saying anything. Might’ve been a different story if you’d have less tha mess for me.”

“Right. Have a good morning then.”

Without another word, the sniper turned to leave, off to the elevator, and he assumed the Commander’s cabin. Her usual go time was around 0500, which was rapidly approaching. “Wait a minute, Vakarian!” He called out, just before the turian turned the corner. 

He stopped, half turning back.

“Should take this up with you too,” the human replied as he prepared a cup of coffee. Just as he knew the Commander liked it, black with two sugars. The turian was already back at the counter when he finished. “Hope she enjoys those, kitchen still smells good.”

“Thank you,” he said taking the offered mug. “I hope so too.”

Gardner watched the turian’s back as he left, a small smile on his face. Young love was a nice thing to watch in such dark times. Even if he had a bit of a rough time wrapping his mind around their inter-species liaison, he was enjoying seeing the, twice over, saviours of galaxy happy. At least for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cute enough for you?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard's reaction!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As requested. 
> 
> I still blame night shifts for this.

Chapter 3 - 

 

Waking up too warm had become normal for the Commander since the Collector base. But today, she noted, it was a little chilly. As she hit the snooze button on her omnitool alarm, the god awful time showing 0455, and reached out, she found herself alone.  _ Odd _ . She could have sworn there was a turian there before she’d fallen asleep. 

She sat up, stretching her arms above her head and then rolling out her left shoulder. It had started to bother her again, even Miranda hadn’t been able to correct it in all her meddling. The Commander’s yawn was the only sound in the room other than the constant bubbling of the fish tank. She’d managed to keep a few fish alive this time, probably because Garrus had started feeding them when she forgot.

Said turian, appeared in the doorway before Shepard managed to get her feet on the floor. The distinct smell of coffee wafted over. “Is that what I think it is?” she asked him in greeting.

The human could see his white teeth in the dark as he choked out a laugh. “If you mean, coffee? Then yes. And something else.” He crossed the cabin, the lights rising slightly. Enough that Shepard could see he was carrying a plate as well. 

The sniper put the steaming mug into her outstretched hands, leaning down to place his crest against her forehead for a moment. Putting the plate on the nightstand, before getting her properly. “Good morning,” he rumbled, accepting the human styled kiss in succession of his turian one. 

“You’re up early,” she said around the lip of her mug, relaxing back against the headboard. “I could get used to this.”

He laughed, stripping his shirt and throwing it in the general direction of the laundry pile. “You’d rather wake up to coffee, than me?” 

“Why not both?” she mused, a pleased sound falling from her lips as she took another sip. A sideways glance at the covered plate caught his attention. “What’s under there?” she asked.

The sniper shrugged, a small smile on his mandibles. “Guess you’ll have to look to find out.”

“Too early for mysteries, Vakarian.” Regardless, the Commander put her mug down and reached for the plate. Her surprised noise was audible, and her shock obvious. “Are THOSE what I think they are?”

“What do you think they are?” he hummed, sliding over a bit so he was pressed up against her side, his chin on her shoulder. His mandible tangling in her sleep tousled hair. 

Shepard took one, taking a bite almost immediately. Her moan obscene and, considering she wasn’t doing anything sexual, that was a little surprising for her turian lover. “Oh my god, Garrus. Where the hell did you find these?” Her eyes were closed as she savoured the second bite. 

He laughed. “Oh I have my sources. Good?”

“Better than good, Garrus.” She finished off the cookie and turned to look at her partner. “Seriously, where did you get these? They taste so fresh, but we haven’t been at a port in days.”

Looking away, almost sheepishly, he replied. “I uh… made them.”

“Made them?” Shepard asked, her disbelief obvious. She pulled back, turning to face him. The hand that wasn’t around her moved up to rub the back of his neck. “You. You made cookies?”

“Yes.”

“Who with? I bet it was Kelly, was it Kelly that helped you?”

“No, I didn’t have help. Well… I guess Joker helped me make sure they were edible… but I made them myself.”

Her head cocked to the side. “Seriously?”

“What?” he half growled, pulling away. “I’m not allowed to make something for my girlfriend?”

She back peddled almost immediately, sliding across the bed on her knees to stop him from leaving. Arms wrapping around his shoulders. “Garrus, wait. I’m just surprised. I didn’t know you could cook. Hell, I burn water trying to boil it.”

“Burn water?” he choked back a laugh. “How does that even?”

“Not actually burn water,” she backhanded his arm lightly. “Human idiom. Means I can’t cook. Let alone bake.”

He hummed, relaxing back into his partner. “Well, I don’t cook often. My mum taught me a few things before basic, thought every turian should be able to make a meal for themselves. Was never very good at it, but passable I suppose. Managed not to poison myself living alone while I was at C-Sec. Learned a bit more on Omega,” he paused a moment, lost in a memory. “Weaver liked to bake when she was bored. Nalah, Butler’s wife? Taught her to make a few things.”

“Huh. Who would’ve thought.” Shepard kissed his cheek before sliding back to her side of the bed, fetching a second cookie and her coffee. Dunking the former into the latter before taking a bite. “Might have a new job for you. Give Gardner a run for his money.”

Garrus smiled at that. “No thanks. I’ll stick with maintaining your guns and having your six.”

She hummed in agreement. “Fair enough.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Shepard finishing her coffee while checking her messages. And Garrus messing with his omnitool. He noticed a third cookie was taken and finished as she finished off her messages and closed out her own tool. 

“Garrus?”

“Shepard?”

“Why did you make me cookies?”

He shook his head and laughed again. “Because, love.” Rolling over, he planted himself in between her legs, mouth inches from her own. “It’s your birthday.” He kissed her then, the surprised gasp leaving her open for a full bodied kiss. The turian had been a quick learner, leaving her breathless and flushed. 

When she’d regain the ability to speak, she said aloud in disbelief. “I forgot my own Birthday.”

“I didn’t,” Garrus replied with a happy trill. “So… Happy Birthday, Shepard.”

It was her turn so she kissed him, arms wrapping around his shoulders to pull him down, flush against her chest. “I love you,” she said.

“I love you, too.”

+-+-+-

**Author's Note:**

> Admittedly, the flour covered clothing is a throwback to last week when I got home from work. My husband was making tortillas, he was dressed as Garrus is in this chapter and covered in flour. As was my kitchen. Sigh. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
